My Writing: Second Draft

Okay, after reading the first draft I found some many error I decided to change a few things and one character on the Prologue page.

Here is the edited version from my first draft.  Hopefully, when I read it once more, I won’t decided to rewrite the first paragraph. But never know with me. As for grammar errors I found a few but I may have missed some.

 

Prologue: Forgotten Past

I stood behind the festivities, in the great hall of the castle. No one took notice of me, in my velvet green cloak that covered my face or the sword on my right side. I held it tightly as I scan the crowd for someone. My eyes wonder towards the thrown, where the royal family stood. A familiar stir came over me as bluish eyes met mine. Who was he? I wondered. The dark-haired, handsome tanned, young man stood with a blonde haired full figure woman, whom worn a sea green gown. She looked canny and sinister with the smirk on her face. Why did I want to rip her into tiny pieces? My eyes then traveled to the dark-haired, evenly tanned, skin tone teenage boy. I felt my right hand tingle suddenly.   

(The top paragraph was rewrote about five time before I felt satisfied with it. But it may be change again.)

“Easy Verona.” A hard stern male’s voice said beside me. “Watch and listen.”

“I condemn those associated with the Earl of Huntingdon.” the king said boldly.

Why was he condemning this Earl? His words brought anger to me.

One of his loyal servants asked, “But why, Sire?”

“Silence, the king has spoken.” The bearded, dark-haired stranger in a black robe said sternly.

I felt pure hatred towards him.

“What do you see around him?” my companion asked.

A dark shadow appeared around him and the blonde woman. I felt fear.

“He is as evil as she is.” I whispered to him and felt pure energy surrounding us.

“You’re correct, my dear.” he said taking my right hand now, “It’s time to remember this young king.”

This was a dream right? I silently thought to myself, as we moved backwards.  I felt a strong pulled towards the young king..

His blue eyes reminded me of someone. I felt sadness in them now.

“Guinevere?”

I am not her. I silently thought afraid now, as the elderly man held my hand with a firm grip.

“Do not let go my dear.” he said soberly, “You must not deny your destiny.”

“What destiny?” I asked confused. My only comforted now, was my birthstone necklace, which held a griffin in the center of it. “I have no destiny here.”

“Ah, but you do my dear child.” he said, “Look towards the teenager and remember what should have been.”

As he said this, I glanced towards the boy, who met my brown eyes. He knew I was there.

In an instant I was in bedchamber, where a young brunette haired woman, in a long velvet green gown paced by the huge cobblestone window. Here I could see luscious green hills and trees.

I glance back towards the woman now. A newborn baby boy slept soundly, in her arms. I had this sudden urgent of gentleness. But there was something in the way she paced from the huge wooden door to the window, She was waiting for someone or something. I thought feeling a pressure in my chest.

“Her lover.” a female’s voice answered into the wind that started to blow furiously, as dark clouds approached.

I knew she was right for I felt it in my heart as tears came to my eyes. Where was he? I wondered. “Careful on what you ask for, My sweet.” he said, “Focus on this scene, Verona.”

My eyes narrowed as the dark presence disguised as the blonde from earlier entered the room carrying a tray, with the greenish goblet on it. I felt a sudden fear come over me. Something was wrong here.

“Oh, Queen Guinevere,” the blonde-haired woman said with a sorrow expression. Her green eyes held none. “I just heard the news of our dear King and his men.”

This brought the brunette woman attention and narrowed her brown eyes ready “What happened to them?” she asked.”Or should I say what have you done, Morganna?”

I wanted to swipe that smirk she worn off her face. “Oh, They will not be coming back to Camelot and Merlin gone forever,” she said with an evil laughter.

I glance towards my companion in shock. I could not make out his facial expression from the black cloak he worn over his face but I did hear a growl.

“What you do to him, Morganna?” she asked boldly. “Oh, he is sleeping somewhere.” she said stepping up to her now, “Now give me, Mordred.”

I notice the flash in her brown eyes of anger by that name, “His name is Nicholas Arthur Robin as his Father and his grandfather,” she said flatly. “I will never allow you near him.”

“Foolish child, nobody knows this for you will not live to see or tell.” Morganna said using her amulet. “And you lost your amulet, as a child. Your mother cannot help you now.”

I saw something dark form around her amulet. “Fear not we are only witnessing of what happened,” he said holding my hand tightly now. “Now hand over the newborn, Guinevere.” Morganna said forcefully, “Never, you may use your dark magic on me, but I swear someday, I shall return and hunt you. Nicholas will know his true name.” she said. Her eyes rolled back into a trance state and handed her child to this woman.

I wanted to cry for the baby as I watched in disbelief.

Whatever, the shadow  formed around Guinevere and without trying to fight it, she took the goblet into her hands and drank the red potion.

The minute I saw her fall on the hard cobblestone floor I felt pain. The huge wooden door flung open by a knight with a hawk on his shield.

“My goddess! What did you do, Morganna!” he exclaimed kneeling nest to her. He touched her neck for a pulse.

I knew she was gone.

“But not lost, My Dear.” my companion said his eyes glowed a midnight color.

“She is dead.” he said disbelief.

“And so are you,” she said.

I could see the dark-haired bearded knight with green eyes consumed by the dark shadow. Before it could attack him, I noticed a familiar ring around his neck on a black leather rope. (I might delete this part.)

I wanted to call out but I knew better.

 

 

 

©V.ROSE DEMET ™2014

 

 

 

 

 

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